Deconstructing My Trauma & Finding My Self-Worth

In 2020, I committed to a long-term therapeutic journey, and the experience has been nothing short of transformative. This journey created space for me to learn how to identify my emotions, confront my triggers, and process my feelings and decisions. I have come to understand that my feelings fueled my actions and behaviors, often in ways I did not fully recognize. I began exploring how my feelings and emotions drove my reactions and choices, often leading me down paths I did not want to take. My healing truly began once I found the courage to confront the roots of my feelings—some I had long been aware of but had deliberately avoided.

Through conversations with my therapist, I began to recognize patterns in my behavior that I could no longer ignore, a big one being people-pleasing. I realized I had developed dysfunctional and unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as detachment and shutting down emotionally, to navigate the challenges of my life circumstances. These patterns significantly affected my satisfaction in various areas of my life: my romantic, platonic, and familial relationships; my work dynamics; and, most importantly, my sense of self-worth. By continuing to overlook these patterns, I came to understand that I was only perpetuating my own pain.

Initially, as I sought to understand the roots of my emotional distress, avoidance, and self-harming behaviors, my instinct was to blame others for what I was experiencing. Looking inward and critically examining my own thoughts, behaviors, and actions felt overwhelming and too painful. I justified my actions—or inactions—as reasonable responses to how others treated me. However, my therapist gently challenged these beliefs, poking holes in my arguments and encouraging me to reflect with honesty, no matter how uncomfortable or scary the answers might be.

As I reflected more honestly, blaming others for their impact on my life became increasingly difficult. I began to see the marks their actions had left on me, but I also realized the responsibility to heal that pain rested within myself—I played an active role in those interactions. I confronted the reasons I allowed certain people, situations, and decisions to linger, even as they caused me internal distress. Determined to change, I sought strategies and practices to reduce my susceptibility to outside triggers. This shift from externalizing my issues to taking ownership of my pain and distress transformed my healing journey.

Along this journey, I came to a profound realization: I didn’t truly know or love myself. I had been searching for love and belonging from others without offering those same gifts to myself. I noticed that my reasons for giving love often stemmed from societal standards, like seeking male validation, or ingrained beliefs, such as sacrificing for family because “they’re all you have.” These patterns kept me tied to toxic relationships and led me to make choices that didn’t serve me.

I didn’t transition from emotional distress to self-love overnight. I started to nurture my self-worth by creating a safe environment for myself—both physically and emotionally—a process that initially felt isolating and lonely. I gradually built habits to care for myself, starting with a board of affirmations that reminded me of my worth. I also found ways to express love for myself, like taking pole dancing classes to cultivate confidence and body positivity. Guided by my therapist, ongoing self-reflection, and even moments of repeating poor patterns and outcomes, I slowly learned to nurture myself with safety, care, and love.

Consistently practicing habits rooted in love gently nurtured my growing sense of self-worth. I began to recognize that I deserved kindness and respect from myself and the world. I stepped away from relationships and situations that hindered my growth, strengthened my ability to express boundaries with clarity, and used my voice to protect my emotional well-being.

My healing journey is both profoundly challenging and immensely rewarding. As I’ve taken the time to understand and care for myself, I’ve discovered my self-worth and gained the courage to demand love—from within and the world around me. I Iin

I would love nothing more than for others to discover this kind of liberating self-love for themselves.